Some people seem to notice things that others don't. They notice the slight change in someone's tone of voice, they sense when something isn't quite right, even when the other person says they're fine, they can pick up on tension in a room, understand what someone might be feeling without being told, and find themselves deeply affected by the experiences of the people and issues they care about.

For some people, this level of sensitivity and empathy is simply part of who they are, and it can be a beautiful quality. It can be part of what makes you a thoughtful friend, partner, parent or therapist. Being able to understand another person's experience deeply can create meaningful connection, and it can translate to the kind of compassion and presence that makes people feel genuinely seen and understood. It can make the World a better place!

Empathy is something that many people would not want to lose, but that gift can sometimes become a source of suffering.

Caring starts to become carrying

There can be a point where noticing and understanding someone else's distress becomes more than just noticing. You might feel their sadness, anxiety or anger deeply and intensely. You may feel unsettled when someone you care about isn't okay, and find it difficult to relax until they are, thinking about what they're going through long afterwards.

I notice your distress → I feel your distress → I become responsible for your distress → I need to make it better → I can't relax until you're okay → your emotional state determines mine.

The first part may be the gift, the latter part can become the suffering.

Perhaps, somewhere along the way, empathy has become connected with responsibility;

"I can see that they're struggling, so I need to help".

"I understand why they're behaving like this, so I should be more understanding".

"If they're upset with me, I need to work out what I've done wrong".

"I can't feel okay when someone I care about is suffering".

"If I can do something to make things better, I should".

This is the territory where empathy can become exhausting. The problem isn't necessarily that you care too much, the problem is most likely what you learned you need to do when you care.

The difference between empathy and responsibility

There is an important distinction between being able to recognise someone's emotional experience and believing that you are responsible for changing it.

You can know that someone is hurting without needing to take their pain away.

You can understand why someone behaves the way they do without having to accept behaviour that hurts you.

You can care deeply about someone's wellbeing without making their wellbeing your responsibility.

And you can be affected by someone else's emotions without needing to make their emotional state your own.

This doesn't mean becoming detached or uncaring, which is a common worry for people who experience this. In fact, it can allow empathy to become more sustainable.

For example:

“I feel your pain, so I need to fix it”,  becomes, “I can see that you're hurting, and I can be here with you without needing to make it go away”.

There is still connection and compassion, but it introduces a sense of yourself in the dynamic.

When empathy becomes people-pleasing

For some people, it can become complicated, where empathy is intertwined with people-pleasing. If you learned that being accepted, safe or worthy depends partly on keeping other people happy, or meeting other's needs, then sensitivity to other people's emotions can become heightened.

You may become exceptionally good at reading people; you notice what they need before they ask, you anticipate their reactions, adapt yourself to avoid disappointing them, and become uncomfortable when someone is unhappy with you.

Because you are instinctive about what other people could be experiencing, it can become difficult to distinguish between “I can feel what you're feeling” and “I need to do something about what you're feeling”.

The consequences of being heavily focused on other people, over time, can lead to losing touch with yourself - where their experience ends and yours begins? You may struggle to identify what you feel, what you need, and what you want.

You don't have to become less empathic

This is an important part of the work, and honours the essence of who you are, and what is important to you if empathy is one of your cherished qualities. The answer isn't becoming less sensitive - you don't necessarily need to harden yourself, stop caring so deeply or become less emotionally attuned to the people around you. The goal is understanding that you can care deeply, and deeply connect to someone without becoming fused with their experience:

You can care without carrying.

You can support without rescuing.

You can understand without excusing.

You can be compassionate without abandoning yourself.

And, you don't have to suffer to prove that you care.

Your sensitivity may be part of what makes you who you are, it may be a gift. The work isn't to take that gift away, but to develop understanding around the part that has made the gift so exhausting, and learning that you can be empathetic without having to lose yourself in the process.