One of the things that can make empathy exhausting for some people is the belief that in order to truly understand someone, we need to feel what they are feeling. If someone is anxious, we become anxious with them, if someone is upset, we feel upset too, if someone is angry, we can feel the tension rising in ourselves or if someone is hurting, we can find ourselves carrying some of that hurt long after the conversation has ended.

For some people, this can feel so natural that it becomes difficult to imagine empathy any other way. A common belief and misunderstanding that can show up for empathetic people, is that the ability to feel deeply alongside other people is what makes them a caring person. But there is a difference between understanding someone's feelings and taking them on as your own - it is possible to recognise that someone is hurting without becoming overwhelmed by their pain, understand someone's anxiety without becoming anxious yourself, or sit alongside someone's sadness without needing to take their sadness away.

You can care deeply about what someone is experiencing without making their emotional experience your own. This distinction is important, because empathy doesn't have to mean losing the boundary between what belongs to someone else and what belongs to you.

What is actually happening when we empathise?

Empathy is often talked about as though it is one thing, but psychological research suggests that there are different ways of experiencing and expressing empathy. There is the ability to understand another person's perspective and recognise what they might be feeling. There is also the experience of emotionally responding to what someone else is going through. And there is compassion, which involves caring about someone's suffering and wanting to respond in a helpful way.

These experiences can overlap, but they aren't necessarily the same. You might understand that someone is frightened without becoming frightened yourself, feel sadness for someone who is grieving without becoming consumed by their grief, and you might recognise that someone is angry without allowing their anger to become your anger. This doesn't make your empathy any less real.

In fact, recent research into empathy and burnout suggests that these different aspects of empathy can have very different relationships with our wellbeing. A 2026 systematic review and meta-analysis found that cognitive empathy and compassion were associated with lower burnout symptoms, whereas emotional contagion - experiencing or mirroring another person's emotional state – was associated with higher burnout symptoms (Martingano, Stosic & Konrath, 2026).

This doesn't mean that emotional contagion is inherently bad, or that we should try to stop ourselves from ever being emotionally affected by another person. Being moved by another person's experience is part of being human, but it does suggest that there may be a difference between being moved by someone's emotions and becoming overwhelmed by them.

When someone else's feelings become your feelings

If you are highly attuned to other people, you might notice changes in their emotional state very quickly, such as the change in someone's tone of voice,  or when they become quieter. You may be able to tell when someone is upset, even when they say they are fine. You might even find yourself feeling unsettled before you consciously understand why. This kind of sensitivity can be incredibly useful, as it can help us connect with people, respond thoughtfully and notice when someone might need support. But if you have also learned to monitor other people's emotions closely, perhaps because relationships haven't always felt predictable or safe, this awareness can become something more than empathy.

You may begin to feel that you need to do something about what you notice. This can show up in the following ways:

Someone is quiet, so you try to draw them out.

Someone seems distant, so you wonder if you've done something wrong.

Someone is upset, so you immediately try to make things better,.

Someone is angry, so you become anxious and start looking for a way to resolve it.

Someone is disappointed, so you reconsider your own decision.

The feeling may be theirs, but the responsibility quickly becomes yours, which is where empathy can become complicated. This is no longer simply about what the person might be feeling, but moves towards what you need to do so they don't feel this way anymore.

This is where healthy boundaries become important. When we think about boundaries, we might imagine being able to say no, being clear about what we will and won't accept, or protecting our time and energy. And these are all important aspects of boundaries. But boundaries are also about recognising where we end and another person begins, including emotionally. They allow us to recognise that we can be affected by another person's feelings without being responsible for them. We can care about what someone is going through without needing to make it better, and we can remain present with someone else's distress without feeling that we have to take it away.

This doesn't mean becoming detached, indifferent or emotionally unavailable. It means learning that we can be alongside someone in their experience without needing to change it. For example, if someone you care about is upset, you might naturally want to comfort them, listen, offer reassurance or ask what they need. But there may also be times when they remain upset, despite your efforts to help. Perhaps they are dealing with something that cannot be resolved quickly, or they are experiencing feelings that they need time to work through.

Without healthy boundaries, you might find yourself becoming increasingly anxious about their distress, trying harder to reassure them, offering solutions they haven't asked for, or feeling that you have somehow failed if they continue to struggle. With healthier boundaries, you can recognise that their feelings matter, while also recognising that you cannot always change how they feel. You can offer support without making yourself responsible for the outcome.

And this applies just as much when someone is disappointed, frustrated or unhappy with you. You can acknowledge their feelings and remain open to understanding their perspective without automatically assuming that you have done something wrong or that you need to change your decision.

Healthy boundaries allow us to make room for another person's experience without losing sight of our own. They help us recognise that two people can have different feelings, needs and perspectives, and that we don't always need to resolve those differences for the relationship to be okay. This is one of the most important things to learn if you are someone who feels deeply and is highly attuned to other people: you don't have to stop noticing their emotions, and you don't have to stop caring about them. You can learn to notice what is happening for someone else while remaining connected to what is happening for you.

You can care without carrying it all

Learning to distinguish between your own emotions and those of other people doesn't necessarily happen overnight, particularly if you have spent a long time believing that being caring means being available, understanding and responsive to everyone around you. You might still feel the pull to step in, make things better or take responsibility when someone is struggling, or feel uncomfortable when someone is upset with you, or guilty when you choose not to help. These responses don't mean that you aren't making progress, they may simply be familiar ways of responding that take time to recognise and understand.

Think of this as a practice to continue - the starting point is to become a little more curious about what happens when you notice someone else's emotions. Can you recognise what they might be feeling without immediately feeling that you need to do something about it? Can you allow yourself to care without assuming responsibility? And can you remain connected to your own feelings, needs and limits while making space for theirs?

You don't have to become less sensitive to do this, and you don't have to stop caring deeply or lose the ability to understand what other people are experiencing. You can be compassionate without rescuing, understanding without agreeing, and emotionally present without becoming overwhelmed.