We hear a lot about being more compassionate towards ourselves. We are encouraged to practise self-compassion, quiet our inner critic, and treat ourselves with more kindness. But before we can meaningfully practise compassion, it is important to understand what compassion actually is and what it isn't, because compassion is so often misunderstood.

A big misinterpretation of compassion is that it is just being nice to yourself. It doesn't mean lowering your standards, letting yourself off the hook, avoiding responsibility, making excuses or pretending difficult things don't matter. And most of all, it isn't weakness, it's quite the opposite - compassion can ask a great deal of us. Because rather than pity, wallowing or being consumed by suffering, compassion requires us to recognise that we are struggling, alongside a commitment and motivation to address and alleviate it.

So, compassion is courageous, as it requires us to face struggles, and take actions to promote the wellbeing of ourselves and others. Those in helping professions are a great example - there is nothing soft or weak about firefighters, carers, nurses, doctors or ambulance staff who courageously support people through the hardest of experiences, or therapists who sit through the most traumatic and emotional difficulties with their clients. All of these roles demonstrate compassion through recognising that there is suffering, attending to it with a motivation to help or create change, and following that through with whatever action is necessary.

None of that process involves judgement, shaming, or criticism, and yet when it comes to our own suffering, this can be second nature to many people. Ironically, it is often during the times we most need compassion that we direct negative, critical feelings or disappointment towards ourselves, creating an additional layer of suffering.

A person can be more prone to suffering if they struggle with self-compassion, being less understanding towards themselves and less able to soothe themselves when they experience difficulties. It is important that we are not harsh or critical of how our emotions operate because they are built into us by evolution, not our design and not our fault. When we give up blaming and shaming ourselves, we can step back and take responsibility to work with our difficulties better.

From the day we are born until the day we die, we are biologically designed to respond to friendliness, kindness, understanding and encouragement. When babies are distressed, they can be soothed by the caring and loving actions of a caregiver - as adults, our brains also respond to being soothed with understanding, encouragement and kindness. Compassion works in a similar way to parental caring and can assist in balancing the nervous system. When we feel supported and understood, it helps us to build courage - compassion can provide us with the courage to face things we find difficult.

What compassion actually involves

Recognising difficulty - noticing suffering, struggle or distress rather than turning away from it.

Understanding rather than immediately judging - recognising that human beings are shaped by their brains, experiences, relationships and circumstances.

Being motivated to do something helpful - not simply sitting with suffering, but considering what might alleviate or prevent it.

To practise self-compassion, we need the skills to do so. If we saw someone drowning, but hadn't learned to swim, we probably wouldn't be much use. It can be difficult to train ourselves in self-compassion because asking someone to practise it can feel alien to them - it's very much like learning a new language. If we want good health, we have to exercise and eat well to achieve it - compassion is also a continued practice, learning a new way of being.

We must first learn to recognise and acknowledge the struggle within ourselves without judgement or opinion, want to do something about it, and then face the difficulty with courage rather than avoiding or suppressing it. This involves a care-focused motivation, with curiosity, attempting to understand, engage with and tolerate the struggle in a non-judgemental way, with warmth, sensitivity, sympathy or empathy. Self-compassion is learning to balance our minds and make soothing more accessible as a way to regulate difficult emotions.

People can struggle with compassion for various reasons - a person might find it easy to be compassionate to others, but struggle with self-compassion, or with accepting compassion from others. These blocks to compassion are common - so much of what we are and how we relate to ourselves has been shaped by our experiences growing up, and so much of it has been outside our control and is not our fault.

Compassion doesn't require us to approve of everything we do; it asks us to understand it before we judge it. It's about seeking to understand and work with our minds, facing up to the challenges we have experienced and the challenges of life in general, and having empathy and understanding for this.

Learning self-compassion can be hard work - there will be challenges, but the important thing is to recognise when they arise and bring acceptance. A compassionate approach allows us to meet ourselves where we are - we're only human and sometimes we all need a little support.

Where it is difficult to offer self-compassion, we might begin by considering how we would approach this if it was a person we loved, such as a friend or family member, or deliberately setting the intention to think about what the compassionate thing to do in this situation could be.

Compassion is not about pretending everything is okay, approving of everything we do or making ourselves feel better all the time. It is about learning to turn towards difficulty with enough courage to understand it, and enough care to consider what is needed next.