Why is it so hard to be self-compassionate?

We hear a lot about the importance of self-compassion, but knowing that something is good for us doesn't necessarily make it easy to put into practice. You might understand the importance of being kinder to yourself, recognise how harshly you speak to yourself, and even know that you would never speak to someone you love in the same way. Yet, when you make a mistake, struggle with something or feel that you haven't quite lived up to your own expectations, that understanding can quickly disappear.

Rather than responding in a helpful way with understanding, you might find yourself becoming critical, frustrated or disappointed in yourself. You might tell yourself that you should know better, that you need to try harder, or that you have no reason to feel the way you do, or that you should...(fill in your blank).

But, if compassion can be so helpful, why can it be so difficult to offer it to ourselves? Within Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), we recognise that there can be a number of blocks to compassion. These are the things that can get in the way of giving, receiving or practicing self-compassion, when it might be helpful or appropriate. Blocks to compassion can influence how we relate to ourselves and others, and can make compassion feel uncomfortable, unfamiliar or even threatening. Understanding these blocks can help us approach the moments compassion could help with greater curiosity, rather than judgement, shame or criticism.

Block one - you believe being hard on yourself is helpful

One reason we might struggle with self-compassion is that we believe being critical of ourselves is necessary to make us better. We might worry that if we stop pushing ourselves, we will become lazy, complacent or less successful. Perhaps we believe that our inner critic keeps us motivated, prevents us from making mistakes or ensures that we don't fall short of our own or other people's expectations.

When we look at it this way, self-criticism can begin to feel less like something that hurts us and more like something we need to rely on. Some people worry that treating themselves with compassion would mean lowering standards or letting themselves off the hook. But what if we could still take responsibility, learn from our mistakes and work towards the things that matter without adding criticism and shame to the experience? Compassion doesn't mean we stop wanting to grow or improve, it actually offers a more helpful way to approach the difficulties we experience.

Block two - compassion feels like weakness

We can also struggle with compassion because of what we believe it means - misunderstanding compassion is covered more in a previous blog Compassion might not be what you think it is Perhaps we have learned that we need to be strong, that showing vulnerability is a weakness, or that we should simply get on with things rather than dwell on how we feel.

We might dismiss our own struggles by telling ourselves that other people have it worse, that we should be able to cope, or that we are making too much of something. It might find it easier to offer understanding to somebody else than to acknowledge that we are struggling ourselves.

These beliefs are shaped by our experiences growing up, our relationships and the wider society we live in, influencing how we understand strength, success and vulnerability. In a culture that often rewards achievement, independence and pushing through difficulties, taking time to acknowledge our struggles can feel uncomfortable or even indulgent. But, recognising that we are struggling doesn't make us weak, it allows us to understand what is happening and consider what might help. Compassion can require considerable courage, particularly when we have become accustomed to hiding our difficulties or pushing through them without acknowledging how we feel.

Block three - you feel undeserving of compassion

For some people, the difficulty goes deeper than believing compassion is unnecessary or unhelpful - they might crave and understand that compassion is important, but struggle to believe that they deserve it themselves. For some people, there is more focus on personal mistakes than achievements, with a lens on what they get wrong rather than what they do well. They may hold themselves to expectations they would never place on another person, and they might believe they need to earn compassion by being good enough, doing enough or meeting other people's expectations.

When shame and self-criticism become familiar, it can be difficult to imagine relating to ourselves differently. Offering ourselves understanding might feel undeserved, particularly when we are disappointed in our behaviour or feel that we have let ourselves or others down. Yet, compassion isn't something we have to earn by getting everything right. It begins with recognising that we are human, that we experience difficulties, and that our thoughts, feelings and ways of coping have been shaped by many things outside our conscious control.

This doesn't mean we have to approve of everything we do, but it provides a real opportunity to acknowledge our difficulties and take responsibility for what happens next without believing that we must punish ourselves in the process. Ironically, shame and self-criticism can be an unintentional block to taking responsibility where it may be helpful, posing as a punishment instead.

Block four - compassion feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable

Another block to compassion is that it can bring us into contact with feelings we have spent a long time trying to avoid. If we have learned to cope by staying busy, striving to achieve, putting other people first or pushing difficult feelings aside, slowing down to acknowledge our own needs can feel unfamiliar. For example, we might become aware of sadness, loneliness, fear or disappointment that we haven't previously felt able to attend to.

Our early experiences and relationships can influence how comfortable we feel with care and kindness. If our struggles weren't met with understanding, or if we learned that our feelings were inconvenient, unacceptable or something to hide, offering ourselves compassion might not come naturally. We may not have had the opportunity to develop a sense of what it feels like to be supported and understood when things are difficult.

Sometimes, receiving compassion from other people can feel uncomfortable too - we might dismiss their reassurance, struggle to accept a compliment or feel uneasy when somebody offers us kindness without expecting anything in return. This doesn't mean that we are incapable of compassion, it can indicate that compassion is unfamiliar to us, or that it brings us closer to feelings and experiences we haven't yet found a way to understand.

Understanding the blocks to compassion

There are many reasons why we might struggle with compassion, and these can be different for each of us. Some people find it relatively easy to care for others but struggle to offer themselves the same understanding. Others may find it difficult to receive compassion from anyone, even when it is freely offered.

Our ways of relating to ourselves don't develop in isolation - they are influenced by our experiences, our relationships, the messages we receive about who we should be, and the ways we learn to cope with life's difficulties. Many of these patterns develop without us consciously choosing them. It can be helpful to remember that our brains have evolved to respond to threat, which can lead us into negativity loops and focusing on experiences through a threat-based lens. Our experiences influence how these systems operate and how we learn to respond when things feel difficult. Sometimes, the strategies we develop to protect ourselves or meet expectations can make it harder to respond to ourselves with compassion later on.

Understanding this can help us move away from blaming and shaming ourselves, towards an approach of curiosity around what might be getting in the way of compassion? We don't have to judge ourselves for having these blocks either, we can begin by noticing them, considering where they might have come from and exploring whether the beliefs and strategies we have relied on are still helping us.

Beginning where you are

Learning self-compassion can take time, particularly when it feels unfamiliar or goes against what we have learned about ourselves. We don't need to force ourselves to feel warmth or kindness that isn't there yet. Sometimes the first step is simply recognising that we are struggling, without adding another layer of criticism for struggling in the first place.

You might begin by noticing how you respond to yourself when something goes wrong. What do you tell yourself? What are you afraid might happen if you were less critical? Does compassion feel undeserved, weak or uncomfortable? And would you respond in the same way if somebody you cared about were experiencing the same difficulty? These questions aren't intended to give us another set of expectations to meet, but an invitation to become curious about ourselves and to understand the reasons compassion might feel difficult.

Sometimes the first compassionate response isn't self-compassion, it's recognising that there is a reason it feels difficult in the first place. We can begin to meet ourselves where we are, understanding that we are only human, that our experiences have shaped us, and that we can learn new ways of relating to ourselves. We don't have to get compassion right before we deserve it - we can begin by understanding what gets in the way.